I apologize for my lateness. It wasn’t intentional. It’s more or less what you were requesting. I understand what your “blog” is. A tool, for prisoners like myself, to let their voices be heard. Now, the real question is, what do I have to say that really means anything? Then it came to me. I’ll tell you my story. (What I’ve done, what I’ve been through, and what I’ve learned.) Here it is:
I’ve been locked up for nearly ten years now. It’s become, more and more my reality. My past, it seems, is more a dream. That I visit from time to time. A part of my life forgotten.
I was eighteen when I came in. Just a kid. I’ve practically grown up behind bars. My crime is Manslaughter. I recklessly caused the death of my neighbor. I got into a confrontation with him. Which escalated quickly. He lost his life. I lost my freedom. And I’d do anything to take it back.
I relive my actions from time to time. I always arrive at the same conclusion…”Why was I so intent on hurting this man?” I mean, it would have been so easy to just walk away. But all I was concerned with was proving myself to my friends. As if that would confirm who I was. I’ve learned over the years that men are plagued with the idea “to be a man, you must be tough”. This isn’t far from the truth. However, we’ve twisted the true meaning of being tough. There are many forms of toughness. And only one, in which we senselessly hurt another. We never truly understand until we’ve grown in mind, body, and spirit. (In my opinion.) Unfortunately, there are some of us who have learned too late.
I have a little over two years left till my minimum release date. “I ask myself, what am I leaving with?” There is so much uncertainty. I tell myself that I want to do good. I want to change, for my families sake. I tell myself that they’ve been through enough. I’ve been through enough…
…Then I’m shaken back to my current reality. As some guard disrespects me. Treating me like I’m some inferior animal. Intentionally taunting me because I’m an “inmate”. Using their authority as a tool. And depending whether I react to their taunts, will determine if they’ll want to search my cell or not. In other words, toss my cell, as if a tornado had come through. Smiles plastered on their faces. (Which razes [sic] eyebrows when considering the D.O.C. motto…”Integrity, Respect, and Professionalism”. Hypercritcal [sic] nonsense!)
It’s at these times that I ask myself, what am I leaving with?…”If we refuse to see ourselves as flawed and imperfect; Able to learn from our mistakes. We will forever remain a destructive and distrustfull [sic] race; suspicious until it is too late for redemption…When we’re all damned”.
(P.S.) Tell me whether you want me to write about something in particular?
New Hampshire State Prison